


Remember Everything

by SilasSolarius



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, BAMF Merlin, Dark Merlin, Drug Use, Good morgana, Hurt Merlin, Immortal Merlin, M/M, Past Drug Overdose, Poor Merlin, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-05 04:42:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4166292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilasSolarius/pseuds/SilasSolarius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Over 1500 years have passed since Arthur's death and Merlin has lived through it all. Now here it is the year 2015 and Arthur and the others return. Can they handle the changes in their new era and the changes in the happy-go-lucky boy they used to know?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin or the songs sang in this fic…no matter how much I wish I did…

**Chapter One**

Sometimes he wondered what they would think of him if they saw him now.

Sometimes the thought was fleeting, brought on by a picture or a phrase that reminded him of them and days long since passed. Other times it was all he could think about. It was all encompassing and left him feeling both ashamed of himself and yearning to forget. The latter usually ended with him going out to a bar or getting high, anything to stop the pain,  _the loneliness,_ and waking up in bed with one stranger or another.

In the years after Camelot's fall, he had tried to hold out hope that Arthur would return, that soon,  _so soon_ , he would no longer be alone, but when catastrophe after catastrophe struck the earth and centuries passed with no sign, he began to give up hope. Now, a millennia and a half later, he had all but given up on his king's return. Still it didn't stop him from wondering whether or not his master would approve of the man he'd become in his absence.

He snorted.

Probably not.

With a sigh, the warlock shoved the dark thoughts from his mind and focusing on the present. He had to get ready for work and he couldn't be late.

The past was gone and there was no use sitting around reminiscing and worrying about the opinions of the dead.

* * *

 

_The time has come for King and His council_

_Magic has suffered long enough the prophecy has been fulfilled_

_The Protector has shattered_

_The Time has come for the King and His Council_

_To Protect the Broken Protector_

_As Dusk sets on the seventh month and Dawn breaks on the eighth_

_The Two Sides shall be rejoined_

_And the coin shall become whole_

Kilgharrah smiled sadly as the new prophecy revealed itself in his mind, sharing a relieved look with Aithusa.

For centuries they had awaited the return of the Once and Future king, watching as their lord and brother's hope dwindled with each passing year. They watched as the warlock began to destroy himself, falling into a downward spiral of drugs and sex just to escape reality. They watched as his depression worsened and comforted him whenever his wish for the end became too much for him to bear.

Now the wait was over, the King would be returning. He would be able to save their lord from himself and heal his shattered heart. Soon all would be well!

"We must tell Merlin." Aithusa said hesitantly. "He isn't going to take it well if we don't."

The Great Dragon nodded and sighed. "He has waited for centuries. He will not take it well regardless. He has long since given up on the return of his soulmate."

The younger dragon frowned. "Maybe this will give him hope again."

"Or maybe it will break him."

* * *

 

Arthur…was returning?

After 1500 years of waiting and longing, his master was finally coming back to him.

Why?  _Why now?_

Why after he had given up hope? After he had  _finally_  moved on from that silly dream?!

His hands trembled violently, and his breathing quickened, his eyes burning with tears he refused to let fall.

August.

He just had to wait until August.

One month.

A slightly hysterical laugh left his lips and he gripped the missive tighter.

One month and he'd be whole.

One more month of waiting.

He should be happy. He should be relieved that after all this time, all these wasted prayers, Arthur was returning.

So why did he feel so hollow?

* * *

 

" _ **Arthur Pendragon, The time has come for you to return to the realm of the living."**_

Return to the realm of the living? He was alive…wasn't he?

" _ **You are not."**_

How was that even possible? He had to be alive, he had to protect his kingdom! He had to save them, to save Gwen, and- and  _Merlin._

Merlin, who had magic, who was a sorcerer yet still meant more to him than even his own wife. Merlin, who had cried over him…as he died…

He truly was dead.

Memories flooded his mind and his heart clenched as he remembered the devastation on his manservant's face and the broken sobs that had ripped themselves from the younger man's throat. He remembered finding out that Merlin had magic and watching as the raven tried desperately to heal him.

He remembered it all.

The voice spoke, its tone soft almost regretful.

_**You must return now. Time has gone on since your death and Magic has not coped well. You shall be what heals him and he shall heal you.** _

Magic.

It was talking about Merlin. He could only imagine how his friend had coped with his death and he prayed that the sorcerer hadn't done anything stupid. Everyone in Camelot knew that Merlin was almost fanatically devoted to his king. To lose him so tragically…Arthur dreaded to think about how Merlin had responded.

"Will I return alone?"

He asked the voice.

" _ **Your council shall follow. Now, Awaken Arthur Pendragon."**_

It commanded and a bright light flashed before his eyes and he knew no more…

**TBC…**

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Merlin and Arthur are soulmates in this fic however Arthur still married Gwen because of his duty to his country so she will still be referred to as his wife for a little bit.

**Chapter Two**

Victoria sighed sadly as she entered her young neighbor's home, via the key he'd given her for emergencies to find the boy lying on the couch passed out. Three empty vodka bottles lay on the floor along with a half empty bottle of jack and a broken needle. The sight, while heartbreaking, was one she was intimately familiar with, having seen it multiple times in the ten years she'd known the boy.

A soft moan left the young man, as he stirred and she kneeled beside his head pushing the bottles out of the way.

"Merlin? Merlin, sweetheart, are you alright?"

He looked up at her blearily, then gave her a small, broken smile.

"Good morning, Mrs. Davis." He greeted, voice harsh with sleep. "What are you doing here?"

She returned his smile with a concerned frown.

"I knocked this morning to see if you'd like to have breakfast with me, but you didn't answer the door and I got worried."

His eyes, normally a glacial cornflower blue, softened at her words and brightened just the slightest bit.

"I'd love to. Just let me get cleaned up a bit."

Victoria nodded, and began to straighten the room while Merlin staggered away from the couch and headed further into the apartment to get cleaned up.

Moments later, he returned freshly showered, his blue eyes much clearer than they had been before and his lush raven's wing hair falling down his back in a damp mess of waves and curls. She smiled at him and pulled him into a hug, ignoring his surprised flinch.

It hurt so much to watch him destroy himself the way he was and she often found herself praying that someone would come along and heal him. She hated seeing him drink himself into oblivion just to feel. Hated coming over to find him passed out on the any available surface because he was too drunk or too high to make it to his bed. She hated seeing him hurting as bad as he was.

The raven stared at her bewildered then hugged her back awkwardly and she pulled away.

"If you ever need to talk, Merlin, I am here to listen."

He nodded. "Breakfast, ." He reminded her gently and she sighed leading him across the hall to her own apartment. Hopefully, someone would come to heal the boy soon.

**MERTHUR**

He was spiraling and he knew it.

Aithusa's message of Arthur's return seemed to force him deeper into a spiral of madness ad he found himself passing the days in a haze of drugs, sex, alcohol, and worried inquires from his neighbor, .

He'd tried to slow down, tried to stop but he couldn't help himself. He wanted- no needed to feel and it seemed that those were the only ways he could even get close. Even now, only three hours after eating breakfast with and finding himself sober he was ready for his next hit, his next shot, anything to stop the horrible numbness plaguing him.

With a soft sigh, he pulled his hair back into a ponytail and grabbed his guitar case from under his bed, unaware that his long wait was almost.

**MERTHUR**

He awakened to the feel of gentle hands shaking him awake.

"Arthur, Arthur, are you okay?"

He groaned, hazy blue eyes fluttering open to meet the worried, chocolate brown hues of his queen.

"Guinevere?" He rasped and she smiled relieved, then frowned.

"What the hell did you do?"

He frowned. "Pardon?"

"We were  _dead,_ Arthur. Dead! Now suddenly we're all alive and on the edge of Avalon and anything like this always involves you and/or Merlin! So what did you do?"

Arthur's frown deepened then he remembered the voice from before.

_**"You must return now. Time has gone on since your death and Magic has not coped well. You shall be what heals him and he shall heal you."** _

He glanced around.

Lancelot, Gwaine, Elyan, Percival, Leon, and Gaius were all laying on the ground around him unconscious, as was- he froze- Morgana.

His sister lay beside him, long dark hair splayed around her in a way that made her look almost innocent, and he found himself almost able to forget that she was the same woman who had eventually ordered his death.

"I didn't- There was a voice in the lake. It told me that it was time for me to return. That Merlin needed me."

Gwen gasped, her eyes widening.

"After, after you died, Merlin always said that you'd return. I couldn't bring myself to believe him, thought it was just a dream but he was speaking the truth!"

"Indeed." Came a voice and the duo turned to find a beautiful young woman standing behind them, at the very edge of the lake. She had long mahogany hair that fell down in loose ringlets to her waist, pale, almost translucent skin, and wide innocent eyes that were a shade lighter than Gwen's milky chocolate hues. A silky wine-red dress clung to her petite frame, showing off her soft curves and her lips were curled into a pleasant smile.

"Who are you?" The King replied, hand going to his sword and she giggle.

"I am the Lady of the Lake but you may call me, Freya. It was I who guarded the rest of you and your court, My King. At Merlin's request."

Arthur relaxed slightly, ignoring Gwen's "I told you" look.

"You know Merlin?"

"Yes, Sire. He saved my life."

"How?"

She shook her head, sadness flashing in her eyes. " I cannot say, Sire. I've been asked not to. However, Kilgharrah, a mutual friend of mine and Merlin's, is informing him of your return. He should be here soon. Until then, please rest."

Arthur nodded slowly, turning as the others began to stir.

One thing was for sure, as soon as he saw Merlin again he would be getting answers, whether the warlock liked it or not.

**MERTHUR**

**"It is done."**

Merlin nodded impassively as Kilgharrah's voice sounded in his mind informing him that Arthur had returned. He'd known about it before the dragon had even spoken that his King had returned. He'd felt it in the shift of the world's magic and the brief opening of the veil between the living and the afterlife. It had filled him with a sudden rush of warmth and his magic had flared, dancing beneath his skin as if it were rejoicing in the return of his master and for the first time in centuries, Merlin  _smiled._

It wasn't one of those tiny, barely visible smiles he gave on occasion or one of those little broken grins that he tried to use to hide just how raw he felt inside. It was a beautiful, dimpled grin, full of light and life and pure sweet relief.

Finally, after centuries of waiting his King had returned.

Finally.

The numbness in his heart and soul lifted, just slightly, and he felt that just for a moment...He could breathe again.

**TBC...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Avalon.

Years had passed since Merlin's last visit to the land of magic, even longer since he'd been near its glorious lake. In the first few decades after Arthur's death he'd gone to lake edge everyday praying for a sign that that day would be the day his master returned but as one century passed, then two with no such sign he started coming less and less until he stopped going altogether. Now after four centuries, he was finally visiting the lake's side again and this time, his master would be leaving it  _with_ him.

He wouldn't be alone anymore.

He smiled but it slowly fell as darker, more sinister thoughts overtook his mind.

He was a lonely, bitter warlock, over a millennia old and he was a drug addict. His alcoholism was worse than Gwaine's and as of the past two centuries he slept with anyone he could just for a chance to feel something.

His king would be disgusted with him.

His heart clenched painfully in his chest and he faltered in his steps.

Maybe it would be better if he just went home. There was the half a bottle of jack from the night before and nine bottles of some of the world's strongest vodka there and he could almost hear it calling his name. His arms tingled reminding him that there was also his...medicine there as well.

For a moment, the warlock toyed with the idea, glancing behind him as his heart pounded away rapidly in his chest. Then he discarded the idea, knowing it would just lead to problems in the future, and forced himself to continue forward, forcing the happy-go-lucky mask he'd established in the days of Camelot onto his face for the first time in centuries.

Taking a slow breath he stepped into the clearing around the lake and prayed his heart wouldn't stop in his chest.

It did so anyways... because there standing in front of the lake, looking no older than he had the day he'd died, was his King, Arthur Pendragon.

* * *

**"Morgana Pendragon, awaken."**

A soft sound of discontent left the sorceress, her mint green fluttered open to meet worried chocolate eyes. A beautiful young woman kneeled beside her wearing a silky wine-red gown, one she dimly recognized as one that had gone missing before she'd left Camelot. She frowned at the girl, then gasped.

"You're the Lady of the Lake." She whispered and the girl nodded.

"I am. You may call me Freya."

She glanced around ducking her head when she noticed everyone looking at her.

Arthur, Gwen, The knights of the round table, Gaius, they were all staring at her in trepidation, tensed as if they were waiting for an attack.

"Freya," Gwen began, sending her former mistress a distrustful look, "why was Morgana brought back if only Arthur's court returned."

The young woman smiled at them.

"I will explain when Merlin arrives." She frowned worriedly. "Although, I am not entirely sure it would be safe for him to see you, Lady Morgana."

Morgana frowned. "I will not harm him." She replied and Freya shook her head.

"It is not him I am afraid for. Merlin, he lost everything to your quest for power. He holds a lot of animosity in his heart for you."

The older woman opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by the sound of bushes rustling. Everyone turned their attention toward the sound and gasped as a man emerged.

Long black hair was tied back in a messy low tail and fell mid-back in a mess of curls and waves. Pale, milky skin stretched beautifully over a lithe tightly muscled frame and was marred with a variety of different tattoos that vanished under his tight black tunic. Loose black trousers covered in pockets clung tight to his waist and fell over his heavy black boots, and black kohl lined his eyes bringing out the cornflower blue color of the orbs.

Merlin.

Emrys.

He froze upon entering the clearing, blue eyes widening and he didn't even seem to notice anyone other than the King. A slow smile crossed his lips but something seemed off about it and there was a muted broken quality to his gaze. When he spoke his voice was a low husky whisper full of joy and a whole myriad of unidentified emotions.

"Arthur..."

Morgana glanced at her brother and watched as a small smile crossed his lips while he moved to stand in front of the warlock.

"Late as always,  _Mer_ lin."

**TBC...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. RL has been a bit of a hassle lately and just- ugh.

**Chapter Four**

"Late as always,  _Mer_ lin."

A sharp pang of sadness shot through Merlin's heart, but he shoved it down behind his mask and rolled his eyes at the smiling King, greedily taking in the strong visage of his master. His straw colored hair, his piercing blue eyes, all of it.

Arthur.

After over 1500 years of loneliness he was finally reunited with his family. His gaze moved over the others gathered around his master.

Gwaine, smiling vividly at him from his place in Percival's arms. Leon and Lancelot, side by side engaged in a serious conversation with Elyan and Gaius. They were all happy and  _living_. His gaze moved toward Freya, who was watching him apprehensively.

"Better late than never, Clotpole." He responded after a moment before turning to Freya with that same smile. He pulled her into a warm hug, only to frown and pull away when she didn't hug him back.

"Freya? What's wrong?" She bit her lip and sent a furtive glance toward Arthur, or more specifically the woman at his side. He followed her gaze and froze.

Wide jade eyes met his own, free of the insanity and malicious intensity that had clouded them when he'd last seen them yet he couldn't stop the pure hate and rage that rushed through his very being. He forced himself not to growl, turning to his friend with a brittle smile.

"Freya?"

"She's been given a second chance by Magic, Mer."

He nodded and turned to the princess who, looked away guiltily. The hate he held in his heart for her wavered slightly at the sight but he shoved it all down to face his friends with that friendly smile.

He was  _definitely_  drinking later.

"Merlin, what's going on?" Asked Gwen and he grinned at her, hoping none saw the jealousy that flashed in his cornflower blue gaze when he saw her leaning against  _his_ king.

He let out a sheepish laugh and scratched the back of his neck, looking to Freya for help. She smiled at the familiar motion and cleared her throat.

"There was a prophecy predicted long before your birth, Milady. It prophesized of a great king, The Once and Future King, and his guide, Emrys. It was predicted that the King and the Warlock would save the land from a great evil and bring Magic back to the land, bringing to Albion its longest era of peace."

Gwen frowned while Morgana looked down, shamefully. Arthur pursed his lips.

"And I'm this Once and Future King?"

Freya nodded and the king glanced at his manservant.

"You are Emrys?"

Merlin nodded something dark flashing in his pale blue eyes.

"I was the great evil the prophecy spoke of." Morgana whispered drawing everyone's attention. "I had thought that the prophecy spoke of Uther but it was me it was talking about. Me and Mordred."

Merlin shook his head. "Mordred wasn't originally a part of the prophecy at all. When I saved him against Kilgharrah's advice it became his destiny to kill Arthur."

Everyone's eyes widened and Freya nodded sagely. The warlock looked up at the sky and sighed.

"We should head home. I have to be at work soon."

Gwaine raised an eyebrow. "Work?"

"I work at a bar."

"Bar?"

"A modern day tavern."

Everyone's eyebrows rose at that but the followed as Merlin gestured for them to gather around him.

"It will be a bit strange if we were seen in such a large group. This will get us to my apartment a bit quicker. Everyone grab hands."

They complied and with a whispered word from the raven they vanished in a swirl of gold light. Freya stared after them then turned and glided back into the lake.

"Heal him, Arthur. He won't last much longer."

* * *

Merlin had changed.

It wasn't highly noticeable and he doubted that any of the others saw it but Arthur could see it just looking at his friend that he wasn't okay. Light, almost unnoticeable tremors ran through his slim frame and his skin, normally pale was almost translucent. Even his smile, seemed more fragile, fake. He wanted to ask, wanted to confront him but only a few moments after arriving Merlin have vanished down one of the corridors with a warning for them to remain in the front until he set up a sleeping space for them. That had been  _hours_ ago.

Light footsteps drew his attention and he watched with a narrowed gaze as Merlin reappeared in the mouth of the corridor. The tremors were gone, but his pupils seemed a bit larger than normal, a lazy smile playing his lips.

" Alright," -Was that a slur in his speech?-" I have four spare bedrooms. Arthur and Gwen can share one then everyone else can split the other three up fairly. Gaius, you can sleep in my room since I most likely won't be home tonight. On the morrow, I get you guys some clothes. There's food in the fridge."

"How do we know which room is yours?" Gwaine asked and Merlin's smile widened.

"It the darkest one. And its the only one decorated."

Gaius glanced at the kitchen then cringed.

"And how do you use your cooking apparatus?"

The warlock gestured for the physician to follow him and started to teach him how to use the things in the kitchen, including the "stove" and the "fridge". Arthur watched them, wondering about the slight hesitation in the immortal's movements and the delayed tracking of his gaze. Then after making sure they understood everything, he bid them goodnight and left, promising to return in the morning.

Arthur tuned it out focusing intently on what he had seen. The sluggish movements, the blown pupils, the devil-may-care smile, Merlin had been drugged and Arthur was vaguely sure no one else was in the apartment. That meant he'd done it to himself.

Why?

He didn't know, but one thing was certain.

Merlin had changed...and Arthur wasn't sure if he liked it.

**TBC...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

"Merlin, dear are you alright?"

Gwaine paused in search for food, glancing towards the entrance of Merlin's home, then at the warlock lying on the sofa fast asleep.

He'd awakened at dawn only an hour or so previous to the sound of the younger (older?) man returning, and had raced to meet him just to find him lying face down on the couch, exhausted. Since then he'd been exploring the small home, trying to learn anything he could about his friend's new life before the others could wake.

Another knock sounded, more urgent than the first.

"Merlin?!" The voice called, now sounding extremely worried and Merlin stirred with a soft groan, hazy blue eyes sliding open before he forced himself to stand. With slow, tired movements he unlocked the door and opened it, managing a small smile for the woman on the other side.

"Good morning, Mrs. Davis."

Mrs. Davis, a beautiful middle-aged woman, smiled in relief.

"Sorry for waking you, dear. I didn't hear you come in and I assumed the worse."

Merlin chuckled. "It's fine. Max made me work a double shift so I didn't get in until about six this morning."

She nodded before spotting Gwaine, who had moved closer during their conversation. Something flashed in her eyes before her smile took on a sadder edge.

"And who is this handsome young man?"

Merlin blushed slightly and shifted uncomfortably.

"A few of my friends from before are in town and will be staying with me for the time being. He's one of them. Gwaine this is my neighbor, Mrs. Davis. If you ever come in and find her here don't panic she has a key.

Gwaine gave her his normal charming smile. "Pleasure to meet ya." He greeted and she giggled, a light flush crossing her cheeks at his playful flirting.

"I'll have you know that I am married, sir." She replied, before smiling and turning to Merlin.

"Speaking of. There was another reason for my early appearance. My eldest son Jonathan is going on leave as is my husband. I will be going to meet them and I was wondering if you would watch my home for a few days until we return."

Merlin smiled kindly. "Of course. Did you even have to ask?"

She grinned and kissed his cheek. "Oh, thank you so much!"

He nodded and shivered slightly, his eyes distant as the woman continued with a litany of gratitude.

"When do you have to leave?"

She glanced down at her watch and gasped, startled.

"Oh dear, I was supposed to leave ten minutes ago! Bye Mer, be safe, dear!" She cried as she ran out the door. The warlock chuckled and shook his head, closing the door behind her. Then he turned to Gwaine.

"I'll make breakfast in a moment. Will you wake the others?"

The knight nodded and went to question his friend, but the other only turned and walked away.

* * *

Judgement.

It was the one thing he feared and loathed in equal measure, and yet he had seen it in his master's eyes…directed at _him._

Arthur had somehow figured out what he had done the night before and his thoughts on the matter had been oh-so-very clear in his beautiful blue gaze.

Disgust.

Arthur was disgusted with him.

A low sob escaped his lips, almost inaudible under the spray of the shower and tears trickled down his cheeks to mingle with the water on his face.

He had to stop.

Stop the drugs. Stop the sex, and the alcohol.

Stop it all.

If he didn't, and Arthur discovered just how far he'd fallen, he was slightly afraid of how his King would react.

Just seeing his reaction to Merlin's morphine high the previous night had been painful enough. The accusation and disgust had haunted his thoughts the entire night as he worked. He hadn't been able to focus on anything else and it had gotten to the point where he had no wish to come home.

No wish to see that look in his King's eyes again.

Wet cornflower blues glanced over at the locked medicine cabinet thoughtfully.

Then again, noone said he had to feel or remember anything at all.

* * *

Arthur narrowed his eyes as he watched Merlin enter the kitchen, noticing the same hesitancy in his manservant's otherwise smooth movements and the glazed look in his blue eyes. A strange white stick hung from the warlock's lips as he moved around the kitchen in a flurry of movement, smoke curling lazily around the tip.

Something was terribly wrong with his friend for him to be drugging himself on purpose daily.

Just how long had Merlin suffered in the wake of their deaths.

A piping hot plate of food was placed in front of him, piled high with sausages, eggs, and bread, a strangely shaped goblet full of orange juice placed beside it. Everyone else got the same, barring the cook himself, who took a seat beside Gaius, cradling a small goblet full of a rich dark liquid.

Gwen frowned at the former manservant. "You're not eating?"

Merlin shook his head, glancing at the food disdainfully. "I don't eat in the mornings. Coffee will be fine."

The woman's frown deepened and even Morgana looked slightly concerned about the man.

"Coffee? Is that even healthy?" The latter asked curiously and the warlock sent her a strained grin, eyes flashing with a hatred he was trying to keep constrained.

In fact, everyone had noticed that Merlin's reaction with all of them was strained immensely, as if he was no longer sure of how to act around them. He tended to look just below their eyes when he spoke to them, and he refrained from touching them unless he absolutely had to, the exact opposite of the touch friendly teen he had been in the times of Camelot.

Something horrible had happened to change their friend into who he was now and they didn't think it was just Arthur's death. No, it was something deeper and darker than that ad they would find out what it was…starting with the tavern he worked at.

Arthur sent Merlin a furtive glance then looked at Gaius who nodded.

They would need to talk to Merlin about his drug habit first.

**TBC…**


	6. Chapter Six

**Chapter Six**

Judgement.

It was there, in his master's eyes once more and, as he sat at the dining table with those he had yearned for, Merlin felt unworthy.

The high was fading, quicker than it had in a long, _long_ time and he found himself being force to face the emotions he'd tried to repress since that night at Camalann so long ago.

He shivered, a shuddering gasp escaping his lips and tears filling his eyes, drawing everyone's attention to him.

"Merlin?" Gwaine called worriedly, seeing the turmoil in the younger (older?) man's eyes and Merlin shook his heart rapidly, standing.

"Excuse me." He choked out, rushing from the room, paying no heed to the frantic calls behind him.

Once in the safety of his bedroom, with a locked door between him and _them_ , he collapsed to the floor and shattered.

Deep, gut-wrenching sobs left his lips wreaking havoc on his lithely muscled frame and every breath felt as if it were stuck in his throat, choking every inch of life from him.

So long had passed since he'd allowed himself to fall apart like this and now that he had, he found himself hating it.

A gentle hand landed on his shoulder and he jolted, looking up with broken blue eyes to meet wise, weathered grey.

Gaius.

He swallowed, trembling as his mentor pulled him into a warm embrace.

"Let it out, Merlin. Just let it out." The older man crooned and he whimpered, a low wounded sound escaping him before he just let go.

After a while he started to calm, pulling away to glance at the clock. Catching a glimpse of the time he cursed and jerked away from his pseudo father.

"Merlin?"

"I'm late! Fucking shit, Max is gonna flay me!" The raven cried and Gaius watched, bemused as the boy rushed around the room, grabbing a pair of black pants and a crimson shirt from a large cupboard-looking room.

In a flurry of movement, the warlock began to change his clothes, pausing when a sharp gasp reached his keen ears.

He turned to find Gaius staring at him wide-eyed.

"Gaius?"

The old man shook his head, his grey eyes wide. "Where did you get them?"

Merlin blinked and glanced down at his bare torso, cursing when he saw what had shocked his mentor so much. His entire torso, front and back, was scarred. Thick, rope like scars marred every inch of his pale shin, visible even under the inky black of his numerous tattoos. Looking back at the other he sighed and slid on his shirt hiding them from his view.

"The world didn't just stop when you were gone… and neither did I." He replied softly.

"I found out just how cruel humans could be…"

Grabbing his guitar case from beside his bed he turned and left the room, heart breaking when he heard Gaius sob softly behind him.

When he appeared in the dining room, he found the rest of his family still there, each with varying degrees of worry on their faces and the breakfast dishes gone. Arthur frowned when he saw him.

"You're leaving again." It wasn't a question.

"I have to work." _**I have to get out of this house. I have to get away.**_

The former king frowned at him, blue eyes shrewd and calculative. Then the man smirked.

"Good, well we're ready when you are, _Mer_ lin."

He blinked. "I'm sorry?"

Arthur's smirk widened. "Did age worsen your hearing? _We're_ "- He gestured to everyone else- "going with you."

He stared, then cursed.

"Fine. I but you aren't leaving the house with me dressed like _that._ " He snarled, storming back into his room. He grabbed the bags of clothing he had bought for his guests the night before and stormed back into the dining room, dropping it on the kitchen table.

"There are clothes for all of you. Get dressed."

They couldn't help but wonder why he didn't look too happy that they were tagging along.

Fifteen minutes and lots of struggling later, Merlin found himself walking to work, watching from the corner of his eye as his friends gazed around in wonder. His heart sank in his chest.

They should've been around to watch it all come to be with him…instead he had been forced to watch it all alone.

A yelp drew him from his thoughts and he turned, snickering as he saw Gwaine staring wide-eyed after a car that had just driven past. The former knight glared at him but he shrugged.

"What the hell was that thing?!"

"That was a car. It is a form of transportation." He explained, smiling when he saw the group nod and sneak furtive glances at each car that passed them.

Up ahead, he noticed the sign bearing the name of their destination and his smile turned to a grimace when he noted the man standing outside the door bearing a heavy scowl.

The man in question stood nearly a foot shorter than him at a small 5'0 and had long fluorescent green hair pulled back into a high ponytail. His eyes were a steely grey color and they blazed when he met Merlin's cornflower blue gaze.

"You're late." He growled, his voice a deep rough baritone that belayed his small stature.

Merlin sighed, running his hand through his hair roughly. "Fuck off, Max."

Max glared at him, then sighed, his grey eyes softening. "I was worried 'bout ya, Merls. You didn't seem right when ya left this morning."

The warlock snorted, while Arthur and the others looked between the two worriedly. "I'm fine, brat."

Max opened his mouth to speak once more, then shook his head and looked at the revived Camelotians.

"Hey, sorry 'bout that. I'm Maximillian Sanderson. You can call me Max."

The Camelotians glanced at each other, then at Merlin who rolled his eyes.

"Arthur and his wife Gwen. Gwaine, Percival, Lancelot, Elyan, Gaius, Morgana, Leon." He introduced and Max blinked.

"You're joking, right?"

Merlin shook his head and the man sighed. "Let's just get inside. You're performing tonight."

Merlin grinned and disappeared into the building while Max led the others inside, where they were immediately assaulted by the sound of loud music and the smell of sweat and alcohol.

The walls were a dark cherry red covered in posters and photos, the floor black marble that gleamed in the flashing multicolored lights. Bodies moved close together in the center of the room while tables lined two walls and a long bar lined the other. In the very front of the room was a stage where a group of four sat waiting for someone, each in front of instruments Arthur either didn't recognize or vaguely recognized.

Max smiled, his eyes softening. "Welcome to Crimson Peak." He greeted, leading them to a table.

"First drinks' on the house. Enjoy your stay." This said he turned and disappeared into the crowd. Sharing a bewildered look, they turned to the stage, watching as Merlin walked onto the stage.

Their warlock walked straight up to the strange apparatus on the stage, pulled it close to his mouth and smirked.

"Shut the music off."

The music silenced immediately and yet, the crowd cheered.

Moments later, Merlin began to strum the instrument he was holding, blue eyes cold as they scanned the crowd. When they met Arthur's he began to sing.

_I'm one step from a breakdown, two steps from being safe_

_Just try to see this through_

_I'm three steps from this nightmare and four steps from the door_

_The rest is up to you_

"I-I think he's talking to you, Arthur." Gwaine whispered but the King didn't respond, watching his best friend with sad, sad eyes.

_Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away_

_Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say_

_Pardon me if I can't fake it while you still believe_

_Pardon me_

He hadn't said anything, not yet. But those lines were telling. Merlin could read him just as well as he had been able to years ago. He'd seen how Arthur felt about what he had done to himself…and he hated it.

_I'm one step from forgiveness and two steps from my grave_  
_We're all just passing through_  
_Three steps from redemption, four from the devil's door_  
_On a path that leads to you_

_Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away_  
_Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say_  
_Pardon me if I can't fake this while you still believe_  
_Pardon me_

_Pardon me while I just turn my back and walk away_  
_Pardon me if I can't listen to the things you say_  
_Pardon me if I can't fake it while you still believe_  
_Pardon me_

Merlin was hurting…and it was all Arthur's fault.

_I'm two steps from salvation but I'm only taking one_  
_Pardon me…_

Arthur swallowed thickly. The entire time those blue eyes had never left his. Merlin was giving him a message…and Arthur knew exactly what it was.

All the same, he couldn't bring himself to look away when Merlin's eyes softened and he began another song.

_This dark room, another cigarette_  
_The carpet strewn, I'm getting sick of it_  
_The end is near, I'm in the thick of it_  
_And I'll be there soon if you can handle it_

_Just save me from all that I am_  
_You save me for the fuck of it_  
_Save me, just hold out your hand_  
_You save me from all of it_

Gwen glanced at her husband for a moment then sighed. He was so oblivious. Even she could see the feelings Merlin held for him, had held for him for so long, but he continued to hurt her friend over and over, unaware that he was doing it.

_I try and speak myself, you can do it too_  
_And need no one's help, I'm needing only you_  
_So just pray for me and deliver it_  
_You never take from me what I'm given_

_Just save me from all that I am_  
_You save me for the fuck of it_  
_Save me, just hold out your hand_  
_You save me from all of it_

Merlin loved Arthur with every fiber of his being and he honestly believed that if anyone could save him from the maddening spiral of darkness he was heading down…it would be his king. After all, Arthur was one of the reasons he had survived everything he was put through in the centuries since Camelot had crumbled. He had to hope Arthur could save him because without that hope…he'd be lost.

_And all that I have become is you_  
_The only good in me is you_  
_And after all of this_  
_The day will come to find out_  
_Will you take me, oh, forsake me_

Gaius smiled sadly at his charge able to see how the years had jaded his nephew. To see that the boy was unsure where he stood with not only his master, but his family as a whole.

_So pray for me, am I forgiven?_  
_For what you take from me_

Arthur's breath caught and he fought not to reach out to the broken man on stage. Of course Merlin was forgiven, everyone needed a way to cope and after being alone for so long he could barely blame the other for turning to drugs just to get away. Time had taken everyone the warlock loved from him.

_Just save me from all that I am_  
_You save me for the fuck of it_  
_Save me, just hold out your hand_  
_You save me from all of it_  
_Come, save me_

He would save his friend from the darkness encompassing him. After all, Merlin had saved his life more times than he could think of, more than he knew of, and he couldn't help but wish to return the favor. He wanted his friend to be happy again. No more fake smiles and brittle laughs. No more drugs.

_Pray for me, am I forgiven?_

**TBC…**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I'm back, yay! I've decided to focus on finishing my current WIPs and work on rewriting my lost stories in between. Also I found my back up drive which unfortunately only contains my Posted stories because I was waiting until posted the others to transfer them over. Anyways enough of my little angst fest, the songs in this chapter are 'Pardon Me' and 'Save Me' by Staind. Hope you enjoyed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

For Arthur, the rest of the night passed in a blur. Merlin sang a few more songs before leaving the stage and heading over to the bar. Grabbing a tray full of drinks, he began to move around the room, a dark playful smirk on his lips as he spoke with the others in the room. He avoided their table almost instinctively, blue eyes skirting past them every time he looked over in their direction. All the same, the former king 's eyes never left him, the words he'd sang still resonating in his mind.

_Pray for me, am I forgiven?_

He knew it was a loaded question from his sorcerer, especially considering everything Merlin thought he needed to be forgiven for but he would gladly give all the forgiveness in his body if it would give him back his best friend. The man he'd seen since awakening in this time was not that man and it was disconcerting. He missed the quirky smiles and the clumsiness, the rare pieces of wisdom that kept him going whenever all hope seemed lost. Most of all, he missed Merlin's happiness, something he had always looked forward to in Camelot because just being in the room with the warlock when he was happy was like sitting near a warm hearth.

It hurt to know that the cause behind this new Merlin was the centuries of loneliness inflicted upon him after his death.

"He was crying." The former king looked up at Gaius' soft admission, but the physician wasn't looking at him. Instead his weathered blue eyes were following his surrogate son's every move, dark with concern and something that Arthur couldn't identify.

"On stage?" Gwaine asked and Gaius shook his head, sipping the drink in his hand pensively.

"Before our departure from his home, when I went to look for him, I found him crying. He sounded lost."

The knights shared a look, those that had outlived their king, remembering the utter brokenness of the warlock in the days following the blonde's death. They remembered the hollowness in his eyes and the way he'd thrown himself into rebuilding Camelot, as if he could stand to do nothing else. It had taken them years to take away that hollow emptiness in their friend, and they could only imagine how he'd felt when they had finally moved into the afterlife and left him behind.

Just imagining living in a world, where all they knew was dead and they outlived everyone they knew was terrifying.

Arthur looked back at his friend, who, as if sensing his gaze, met it for a moment then turned away to speak with one of the patrons. They sat there for hours, watching as their friend moved amongst the bar patrons like a ghost, silent unless spoken too yet friendly to everyone that glance his way.

After a while, the raven finally approached their table, reluctance in every line of his body.

"We'll be heading home in a few minutes. Do you need anything?"

They shook their heads, Percival shifted from where Gwaine was dozing against him.

"Are you alright?" Gaius asked, keen eyes taking in the slight tremors running through his surrogate son's frame and the light sheen of sweat beading his face.

Shame flashed across the younger man's features briefly, before a brittle smile overtook his features.

"I'm fine, Gaius." He replied, running a tattooed hand through his dark hair, as if willing the statement to be true.

"Your hands are shaking." Gwaine pushed and a bark of laughter left Merlin.

"Honestly? My hands are always shaking."

There was something dark about that statement. Something they were supposed to hear but seemed out of reach. Before they could ask about it, however, he was gone, moving on to the next table.

By the time they left the place, they were all too exhausted to think on it further. They reached Merlin's home, and each was asleep before their heads hit their pillows. All but one.

* * *

He knew he shouldn't be doing it. For fucks sake, he'd just bared his soul and begged for forgiveness for this very thing but, as the needle slid into his veins, he couldn't help the relief he felt.

The shakes had stopped.

A bitter smile crossed his lips and he disposed of the evidence before lying back and waiting for the numbness to kick in.

Anything to forget.

Anything to keep his hands from shaking.

Even if it meant his master's judgement.

* * *

Hell, could he really fall any further?

"You love him."

Clouded blue hues met warm hazel, free of judgement before looking away guiltily.

"Yeah."

The woman sighed sadly. "Oh Merlin…"

The warlock hummed softly. "I'm fine."

Gwen scowled darkly at him. "How long?"

He looked up at her. "Since Camelot. Before your wedding. He was my destiny, still is."

She sent him a sad smile. "He's loved you just as long."

Merlin stilled, blue eyes widening before clouding over with pain.

"P-please don't say such things. Please, _please._ " He pled brokenly, and his friend's heart broke when a crystalline tear slid down the man's cheek.

"It is the truth."

He shuddered, recoiling as if she'd struck him.

"Please, please leave."

She stood from she'd been sitting beside his head, running a gentle hand through his hair once.

"Speak to him, Mer. I promise you won't be disappointed."

He turned away from her, body shaking and she sighed.

"I'll inform the others you won't be present for breakfast."

He didn't respond and she left the room quietly.

She hadn't expected this when she had awakened early to speak with the warlock about his performance. However, now she knew what was happening.

Merlin was afraid.

He didn't think Arthur loved him, and as infatuated as her husband had been with her at the beginning of their marriage she could see why. However, that was all it was. A teenage infatuation…

She had to speak with Arthur.

* * *

It was late afternoon when Merlin finally joined them in the family room, lips curled into a pleasant smile as he took a seat beside Gaius.

"Sleep alright?"

"You're late, _Mer_ lin."

He smirked. "Always, Sire."

Gaius broke the banter up with a serious expression.

"Merlin, we need to talk."

The warlock straightened.

"Okay…" He replied hesitantly, dread building in his stomach and he knew instantly what the conversation would be about.

Gaius didn't disappoint.

"How long have you been doing drugs?"

"I'm not-" He cut himself off as his mentor gave him The Eyebrow, and slumped wearily in his seat.

"I don't know. I started in 1918 so about a century, I guess. I just didn't want to _feel_ anymore." He curled in on himself. "It hurts so much to feel."

Gwaine frowned worriedly. "But we're here now." He replied and Merlin snorted.

"Because suddenly everything is _so_ much better! It's not! Seeing you all here and happy and alive, it hurts almost as much as it did when you were gone because you should've been here and you _weren't._ " His voice broke. "You're all so- the same and I'm _broken._ "

"You're _not_ broken," Arthur snapped and his head shot up. "We can help you, _Mer_ lin, but only if you stop being an idiot and _let us_."

"I don't wanna be cold anymore." Merlin whispered, wrapping his arms around himself.

Gaius' eyes softened. "Then left us help."

His son looked away.

"Okay." A shuddered breath left his lips and he nodded as if reassuring himself.

"Okay."

**TBC…**

* * *

**A/N: Whoa. I really didn't expect this to have all the feels it did.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploaded from my phone so the formating sucks sorry about that

Chapter Eight

 

Withdrawals were just as bad as he remembered them being thirty years previous. His only saving graces were his magic and ketamine, both of which made it easier to hide the worst of the symptoms from his family as he took it upon himself to help them adjust to the world around them. All the same, watching his family learn and adapt to the new ways were as amusing as it was heart breaking.

 

Gwen and Morgana, who he'd formed a tentative bond with, had been appalled to see the fashion of the women in the era, baulking at the idea of wearing trousers like men. Their reaction had been worse when he introduced them to what passed for socially acceptable dresses, Gwen going so far as to say that she would wear burlap than dress like a harlot.

 

Gaius had absolutely fallen in love with modern medicine as Merlin had known he would, fascinated by how far humans had advanced in their healing practices since the days of Camelot's homemade tonics and pastes. He'd also been horrified to learn that many of the creatures of Magic were either extinct or in hiding, especially with humanity's belief that Magic was a myth, an act for street performers and tricks at children's birthday parties.

 

Leon and Percival had become interested in cars, of all things and had devoured every book he'd bought them pertaining to them. Their reasoning made even less sense to him. _'One must know how to defeat every foe before battle, Merlin.'_ Yeah…no, he'd just left them to it.

 

Gwaine and Elyan had adjusted the best, fascinated by every little thing that caught their attention. Lancelot was interested in the history, or had been until he discovered the horrors of the Salem Witch Trials, after which he'd simply decided to follow the others.

 

The only one not caught up in the discoveries of their new era was Arthur who watched his every move with keen unnerving eyes. It was a wonder that he was able to hide his symptoms from the man, even with magic. The man knew him like the back of his hand.

 

Even now, as he moved around the kitchen cooking breakfast his master was watching him. His hands shook and he slammed the pot in his hands down, turning to glare at the infuriating man. He couldn't take any more of this.

 

"Will you stop?!" He snarled and Arthur raised an eyebrow, his gaze challenging.

 

"Stop what exactly?" He replied, yet Merlin could see in his eyes that the man knew exactly what he was talking about.

 

"You know exactly what! Stop watching me like I'm gonna fall! I'm trying, Arthur. Isn't that enough for you?!"

 

His eyes burned, his throat narrowing as his friend failed to answer and guilt hit him. Why? Why couldn't Arthur try to understand that he was trying but it was so damn hard.

 

Even now, his veins ached for the cold kiss of a steel needle and the blissful numbness that would follow but he ignored it, turning back to the stove to his shaking hands. Placing a cigarette between his lips he lit it and closed his eyes, trying to calm down, only to jump startled when it was gentle pulled away from him.

 

"I'm sorry." He didn't turn, could force himself to face those dark blue eyes and see the disappointment in them.

 

"Don't be."

 

A large callous arm wrapped around his bicep and spun him around, slamming him against the wall, their owner glaring at him darkly.

 

"You _idiot_! You have no idea how important you are to us do you?! Do you know how much it hurts to watch you harm yourself day in and day out! I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable because as much as you would like to believe so, that was not my intention but you have to realize that I just want to help you." Merlin glared, his heart clenching as he remembered what had happened the last time someone had wanted to help him.

 

The man had told him he knew of a way to help him stop doing drugs, had promised to help him heal and _live_ again…then he had led him to a meth lab. He'd drugged him and robbed him then left him lying helpless in an alleyway, where he'd been- he jolted, stopping that train of thought.

 

He couldn't think about that, not with Arthur so close to him. If he did, his magic would lash out and he didn't know if he would be able to handle that on top of everything else.

 

He was barely keeping it together already.

 

Arthur leaned closer to him, voice lowering. "Why is it so hard for you to let me in, Merlin? What happened to you?" He whispered.

 

"What happened to the man who smiled through everything, the man that stood loyally at my side, even as I walked to my death? What happened to make you so cold? Let me in, my friend." He coaxed and the tears burning Merlin's eyes fell.

 

"I'm sorry." He whimpered. "I couldn't keep my promise."

 

Arthur didn't think his heart would be able to be broken so many times in one week but it broke yet again and unthinkingly he pulled his friend into his arms savoring the closeness he hadn't felt with the man since the days of Camelot. He held strong as Merlin wept in his arms, releasing years, centuries of pent up grief and anger, the warlock's tears soaking his shirt and he'd never been so thankful for everyone else's absence. He doubted Merlin wished for them to see this. After a moment, the raven pulled away, cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

 

"Thank you." He rasped.

 

Arthur didn't reply, his heart beating quickly as he took in the other man's wrecked appearance. Cheeks wet and rosy, lips swollen from being bitten by their owner and cornflower blue eyes staring up at him in adoration and gratitude, only slightly darkened by embarrassment…Merlin was beautiful.

 

With nary a thought in his mind, the former king leaned forward and pressed his lips against the other's. Merlin froze, then melted, hesitantly wrapping his arms around the man his entire being had revolved around for so long.

 

The kiss was perfect, their lips melding and harmonizing in a flare of passion that left them breathless, something Arthur had never felt, even with Gwen.

 

The thought was like a bucket of ice cold water being dumped on his head and he jerked away, shoving the warlock away from him.

 

He was married. He shouldn't be doing this.

 

Turning, the former King fled the room, trying ignore the hurt expression on Merlin's face as he did so.

 

**TBC…**

 


	9. Chapter 9

** Chapter Nine **

He should’ve expected this, should’ve been prepared for this…but he wasn’t.

Arthur had kissed him, something he had only dreamed of happening, something he had wished for since the days of Camelot and it had been perfect but then…then Arthur had jerked away from him, the disgust his face so prominent it made in want to scream.

His magic whirled through him, howling for its mate and he shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself as he let out a broken laugh, thoughts spiraling deeper down the dark path he’d been trying to keep them from since promising Gaius and the others he would stop everything. The ache in his vein worsened almost unbearably and he whimpered, clenching his eyes shut. He needed something, anything to stop the pain tearing his already fragile heart apart.

He needed to feel numb again.

He didn’t to anymore, all it was bring him heartache.

And he was so tired of hurting.

*******

Gwen frowned deeply as she entered the room her and Arthur shared to find her husband pacing the room with a conflicted scowl on his face. She’d never, in all their years of marriage seen the man so frazzled and she knew there was only one person able to work him into such a state.

“What did you do to Merlin?”

He froze then looked up at her guiltily.

“I,” He paused and swallowed thickly, “I kissed Merlin.” He admit softly and to his surprise smiled vividly at him.

“That’s amazing, Arthur! Did he kiss you back?” He nodded, stunned and she squealed, only to stop when she noticed the bewildered look on his face.

“What?”

“People aren’t supposed to be so happy when their husband kisses someone else.”

Gwen sighed and took a seat on their shared bed, gesturing for him to do the same. He did so cautiously.

“Arthur,” She began calmly, “I’m not in love with you.”

He jerked away, hurt but she placed a hand on his arm and gestured for him to let her finish.

“I know it’s harsh, but we haven’t been in love for a long time, since years before your death. Your heart has never been mine, nor will it ever be and I’m fine with that…because mine doesn’t belong to you. Your infatuation with me has blinded you to the fact that there is someone else much closer to you that has held your heart and attention far longer. Merlin loves you, Arthur.”

He opened his mouth to protest but nothing came out because he knew it was true. Merlin’s entire being revolved around him, something that elated and hurt him at the same time because it seemed he was always hurting the warlock.

Seeing his look, his wife sighed again, deeper.

“I spoke to Merlin about his feelings for you and I told him I approve.”

Arthur frowned. “I refuse to cheat on you, Guinevere.”

She smiled sadly. “I’m afraid I have not been able to do the same.”

He recoiled, heartbreak obvious in his blue eyes.

“What?”

“After your death, Lancelot comforted me and our relationship grew. When we awakened in this time, we decided to continue it, despite the fact that you were here again. I love him, Arthur.”

For a moment the former king said nothing, then he sighed, returning her smile with one of his own.

“I understand.”

Gwen shifted, looking uncertain for the first time since the beginning of the whole conversation.

“Where does this leave us?”

He didn’t respond for a moment, then he stood regally.

“I, King Arthur Pendragon of Camelot, do hereby declare the marriage between Queen Guinevere Pendragon and Myself annulled and grant her the right to remarry if she so wishes, so it shall be.”

Gwen gasped, staring at her now ex-husband wide-eyed before smiling widely.

“Thank you, Arthur. _Thank you_.”

He smiled back and hugged her. “Be happy.” He whispered and she hugged him back.

“What about you and Merlin?” He stiffened in her hold and she pulled back just in time to watch his eyes widen and the color drain from his face.

“Arthur?”

“I…I hurt him.” He whispered. “I kissed his then I started thinking of how I was betraying you and I pushed him away. He looked, _god_ , he looked so hurt.”

Gwen glared at him. “Damnit Arthur!” She cried, using one of the curses she’d picked up from Merlin. She rushed out the room, calling for the warlock and drawing the others attention.

“Gwen?” Gwaine asked worried for his surrogate brother and she growled frustrated when she noticed Merlin’s shoes and jacket missing from the hook.

“Where’s Merlin?” She asked and the knights shared a look.

“What that bastard do to him?” Gwaine asked protectively, glaring over at Arthur who scowled.

“You assume I had anything to do with it.”

“You always have something to do with it.” The knight sneered and Arthur sighed.

“I kissed Merlin.” He admitted, waiting for the disgust of his men, to his surprise they all smiled, all but Gwaine who was still glaring at him.

“Did you run?” He growled and Arthur nodded.

Gwaine cursed, then punched the former king.

“You idiot! Merlin finally, _finally_ gets something he’s wanted from you since forever and you _run!_ Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Any at all?”

“Do you know where he is or not?” Arthur growled, holding his bleeding nose and Gwaine sighed.

“Of course I don’t! If he doesn’t want to be found he won’t be. All we can do is wait or him to come home and hope we can make this right”

*******

Max bit his lip as he watched Merlin knock back shot after shot, the glaring red rimming the older man’s blue eyes telling him that the raven had no intention of slowing down. Merlin had shown up two hours previous close to hysterics and more out of it than he’d ever seen him and had immediately shot up with more heroin than was safe for even the most experienced of users. Afterwards the man had made his way to the bar and had started to work his way through their strongest alcohol, eyes dark with self-loathing and something he couldn’t even begin to identify.

“Merls?”

The raven glanced up at him, long dark locks falling messily around his face and doing nothing to impede his beauty.

“Are you alright?”

His friend barked out a harsh laugh and placed a cigarette between his lips, before flagging down the bartender and ordering three bottles of the strongest vodka.

“Am I ever?”

Max sighed. “What happened?”

The other didn’t respond, taking a swig from the bottle placed in from of him. After a moment he spoke, voice heartbroken and rough.

“I love him…but he doesn’t want me.” He let out another laugh, this one harsher and full of self-deprecation. “Who would? I’m a motherfuckin’ basket case.”

“Mer-”

He shook his heart. “I really don’t want to hear it, Max. I just wanna forget. Please let me forget.”

Max sighed but fell silent, watching as his oldest friend fell apart in front him and vowing to put him back together in the morning.

**TBC…**

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Outside- Staind

**Chapter Ten**

It was the sound of singing that woke him.

Soft angry words, full of self-loathing and pain, the voice so familiar it almost soothed the concern plaguing the former king's weary mind. He had fallen asleep the night before with his mind wrought with worry for his friend, who hadn't come in at all the night before. In fact, the soft singing was the first he'd heard of Merlin since the raven haired man had disappeared the day before.

For a moment Arthur said nothing, he merely closed his eyes and let the word wash over him.

_And you_

_Bring me to my knees, again_

_All the times that I could beg you please_

_In vain_

_All the times that I felt insecure_

_For you_

_And I leave_

_My burdens at the door_

The song was about him, he realized and it hurt to know how Merlin was truly feeling in that moment. Slipping from his bed, he moved forward on silent feet, listening as Merlin continued.

_But I'm on the outside_

_I'm looking in_

_I can see through you_

_See your true colors_

_Cause inside you're ugly_

_You're ugly like me_

_I can see through you_

_See to the real you_

The song was dark and it was painful, to hear his best friend and confident sing about the pain he'd suffered at Arthur's hands for over a millennium. The fear he'd felt living in Camelot, yet still staying to protect a prince that wouldn't acknowledge his feelings.

_All the times that I felt like this won't end_

_It's from you_

_And I taste what I could never have_

_It was from you_

_All the time that I've cried_

_My intentions_

_Full of pride_

_But I waste_

_More time than anyone_

Arthur was prepared for anything but what he found when he finally reached his former manservant. The man was in the kitchen, sitting atop the counter with a large glass bottle in his hand, tears streaming from closed eyes as he sang out the anguish he felt. His long dark hair was loose and fell in disarray around his face and down his back, a belt wrapped loosely around his lean arms, a fresh needle mark glaringly obvious.

He looked…broken.

_But I'm on the outside_

_And I'm looking in_

_I can see through you_

_See your true colors_

_Cause inside you're ugly_

_You're ugly like me_

_I can see through you_

_See to the real you_

Wet blue eyes slid open as he stepped forward but the haunting song didn't end, it got strong, the emotions in Merlin's gaze intensifying to an almost startling degree.

_All the times_

_That I've cried_

_All this wasted_

_It's all inside_

The warlock's free hand went to his chest as if it were in pain, the other tightening around the neck of his bottle.

_And I feel_

_All this pain_

_Stuffed it down_

_It's back again_

_And I lie_

_Here in bed_

_All alone_

Merlin gave him a sardonic smile and a half shrug, looking at the bottle pensively.

_I can't mend_

_But I feel_

_Tomorrow will be okay_

Arthur smiled slightly, his heart aching.

_But I'm on the outside_

_And I'm looking in_

_I can see through you_

_See your true colors_

_Cause inside you're ugly_

_You're ugly like me_

_I can see through you_

_See to the real you._

"I'm sorry."

Merlin looked away from him, letting his hair shield his face in a move similar to the one Morgana did when she was uncomfortable.

"It's fine. I was an idiot to think there was something there. I mean, you obviously like Gwen and…you're a good man Arthur. I shouldn't have kissed you, especially while you're married." He replied softly, taking a swig from his bottle.

Arthur frowned at it, his nose wrinkling at the strong smell leaving it. The liquid smelled deadly and it made his nose burn, yet Merlin was drinking it like it was water. All the same he would be able to address that later, first he had to inform Merlin of new facts.

"I'm not married."

Merlin stilled, staring up at him with wide blue eyes full of hope and apprehension and enough emotion to make him nauseous.

"What?"

"I annulled my marriage to Gwen yesterday after she gave me a complete dressing down on how stupid I was for running. Merlin…I didn't run because I didn't want you because, I do. _Gods,_ I do, but when _I_ kissed _you_ I was married to Gwen and I was trying to remain faithful to my wife."

For a moment neither man spoke, Arthur watching as Merlin thought over his words carefully, then Merlin looked up almost shyly.

"You want me?"

"I do."

"Even though I'm fucked up."

Arthur fought back a flinch at the curse and at Merlin's matter of fact tone in insulting himself. They would need to work on that.

"I love you." He replied, choosing not to address the statement but it was worth it to watch his friend, his love, light up like he'd given him the world on a silver platter.

The shadows in those cornflower blue eyes lessened, pale lips curling into a smile reminiscent of the one he'd been lamenting over only nights previous. Merlin looked…not perfect, but better than he had since Arthur's arrival in this time. Taking the bottle from the warlock's slim hands, he clasped them in his own and smiled.

"C'mon. You're supposed to be helping me learn this century, _Mer_ lin."

His warlock smirked at him, eyes dancing with humor and something he couldn't identify.

"Alright. Let's go then." He replied unbuckling the belt from his arm and leaving the room, the belt hitting the floor with a resounding thud. As they left, Arthur glanced back at it his heart remembering what exactly it stood for then he entangled his hand with Merlin's and smiled.

"No more drugs, Merlin."

Merlin glanced at him and gave a smile more genuine than most of the ones he given in weeks.

"I know."

"I'm serious."

"I know."

" _Mer_ lin."

"I don't need them anymore."

Arthur smirked and untangled their hands to wrap an arm around Merlin's waist.

"Tell me about your life after Albion."

The raven blinked then grinned. "Well first, I went to a land called Persia…"

**TBC…**


	11. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"I've never seen him so happy."

Max smiled slightly at his bartender's words, watching his best friend sway peacefully in his boyfriend's arms. Three months had passed since that faithful night that he had found Merlin drowning his sorrows in a bottle in his bar, and his friend finally seemed at peace. The raven haired man had slowed his drinking and kicked his drug habit all together, and was now two months sober. It lightened his heart immensely to see that the younger man wasn't suffering anymore and he had Arthur to thank for it.

The blonde had whipped his friend into shape, the only person he'd ever met that could not only withstand Merlin's sharp tongue but match the musician barb for barb. It was probably what had made Merlin fall so in love with the man in the first place.

"He's smiling." The bartender stated in awe and Max's smile widened when he saw the beautiful dimpled smile curling across Merlin's lips, his blue eyes soft as they stared up at the man holding him.

He'd never seen Merlin smile like that before.

It wasn't the self-decapitating grin that the man sometimes gave, nor was it the razor sharp smile, he sent the people that pissed him off. No, this grin was warm and full of happiness, lighting up the room around the tattooed man like a beacon.

"Sing for me." Arthur murmured and Merlin's smile became a shy little thing, his pale cheeks dusted a faint pink.

"Okay."

Max smirked.

His friend really was heads over heels for the man.

Merlin and Arthur. He shook his head with a soft chuckle. Well, history had always said they were two sides of a whole.

* * *

Merlin bit his lip as he stepped onto the stage, blue eyes seeking out Arthur's. His king had been nothing but supportive in his fight to stay clean and somehow it just made Merlin fall more in love with the man. His love was obvious to anyone with eyes and even Mrs. Davis had commented on it when she had returned, he relief that Arthur had managed to save him plain to see on her face.

It almost made him feel bad, and yet he knew if he had to go back and do it all again, he would. Because Arthur was worth it.

Arthur was worth everything.

He smiled, and began to play, his eyes locked with his master's.

"This song, is dedicated to you. I love you so much and I thank you. For everything."

The crowd looked around for the person he was talking about but he only had eyes for his lover who's lips curled into a warm smile.

_You're my world  
The shelter from the rain  
You're the pills  
That take away my pain  
You're the light  
That helps me find my way  
You're the words  
When I have nothing to say_ __  


He thought of all the days Arthur had held him as he hid away from the world, his body frail and wrought with withdrawals. Of how the man would whisper endearments in his ear and stroke his hair as he sobbed in his arms. Of how even all those years ago, it was always Arthur or the thought of him that put him back together.

 _And in this world_  
Where nothing else is true  
Here I am  
Still tangled up in you  
I'm still tangled up in you  
Still tangled up in you

He watched his master's eyes soften, still connected to his. His king stepped forward, smiling gently at him, their friend and family standing around him with tears in their eyes. His heart fluttered in his chest, the jagged pieces seemingly cementing themselves together.

 _You're the fire_  
That warms me when I'm cold  
You're the hand  
I have to hold as I grow old  
You're the shore  
When I am lost at sea  
You're the only thing  
That I like about me

He could see couples swaying together to the song, staring into each other's eyes and he felt something warm inside of him. Gwen and Lancelot, Gwaine and Percival, even Leon and Morgana, they were all holding each other, their lover palpable in the thickening atmosphere.

 _And in this world_  
Where nothing else is true  
Here I am  
Still tangled up in you  
I'm still tangled up in you

A deep voice joined his adding a part in the song and melding as if it were his own and he almost jumped when he realized that his lover had vanished. Then strong, thick arms wound themselves around his waist, the deeper voice over his own, sounding in his ear.

 _How long has it been_  
Since this storyline began  
And I hope it never ends  
And goes like this forever  


Many in the crowd smiled at them, including Max and he relaxed, feeling Arthur rest his chin on his shoulder. Gods, he wouldn't trade this man for the world.

 _In this world_  
Where nothing else is true  
Here I am  
Still tangled up in you  
Tangled up in you  
I'm still tangled up in you  
Still tangled up in you

The audience cheered loudly as the song ended and he blushed shyly, shivering as Arthur stood and released him. He turned to question the man only for him to move in front of him and get down on one knee. His heart skipped a beat in his chest, and he gasped.

"Ar-Arthur?"

The blond smiled at him, and took his hand, removing a small velvet box from his pocket. Inside was beautiful gold ring, with a small bold red ruby in it, the band slender and engraved with the words _"Forever yours"_.

"Merlin, I love you. We both know I'm terrible at describing my feelings and expressing them but this is something that I don't doubt ever. You have always been at my side. First as my conscious, then as my advisor, then my friend, and now I have the honor of calling you my lover. However, I would like to have you at my side one last time, as my husband. Will you marry me?"

Merlin swallowed, staring at his lover stunned, his blue eyes full of unshed tears. Around them, the room went silent, everyone staring at the couple hopefully.

Then Merlin smiled.

A wide grin brighter than any star they'd ever seen lit his face and he nodded.

"Yes."

Arthur let out a side of relief, then smiled back, and slid the ring onto his finger before pulling him into a passionate kiss. Around them, the room erupted into applause, and Arthur pulled his fiancée closer, wrapping his hands around his slim waist.

A tear slid down Merlin's cheek and he pulled away with a soft smile.

"Don't leave me alone." He whispered softly and Arthur kissed him chastely.

"Never again." He promised before he smirked. "You get into too much trouble when I'm gone."

Merlin released a broken laugh and kissed him again.

* * *

" **The balance has been restored." Kilgarrah observed, able to feel through his bond to the last Dragon Lord that he was no longer close to breaking.**

" **Merlin is happy." Aithusa agreed curling up beside the elder dragon.**

" **He is. They will live a long happy life."**

" **Should we tell him that Arthur is immortal now?"**

**Kilgarrah smirked, curling protectively around the young one.**

" **They'll figure it out."**

**Fin.**


End file.
